my last letter to the woman i loved
I am sorry if my letter is jumbled up wih feelings. please pardon me as this, i wrote with strong conflicting emotions.i apologize.but this is what i am,emotions bare naked.
Dearest silly goose,
How can one find a love so beautiful as our past one? How can we forget our beautiful memories with the one we loved? How can we seek the next one when the last one is still etched in our mind, reminding us of the lasting memories we had, the beautiful walks we had, the meaningful conversations we had, the playful banter and jokes we had, the meals that we had, the love that we made, the kiss that we long for, the hugs that made us close, the love that held us so tenderly together? How do we find the next one that can measure up to the last one? How can we not make the same mistake again? How can we know that the next one is indeed the better one? How can we stop seeing the one we miss most? How can we forget? How can we forget?
We don’t. We don’t forget. We never forget. We must never forget. They are there to teach us. But, oh, how painful all these teachings are. To have a love so divine to fill you up with hope, and them to crush your soul into shambles, throwing them into the darkest pits of loneliness. How many tears do we have to fall, in order for us to be stronger?
With loneliness, comes the torturous emotion of longing. The longing to be held, the longing to be kissed, the longing to be not alone to face the world, the longing of someone there exclusively there for you to love and to hold.
Why I do long for a love that I will never consummate? Why do I remain stuck in the same place, when the other road is open for me? Why do I still long for you, long after you have left me? Why? Why?
I know the reason why.
I knew there could be no one that gets close to who you were, and am.
Every night, I close my eyes and I see you. Every night, I share to you. Every night, I talk to you. Even if you are not there, every night. Every night, I long to see your smile. Every night, I wish I could reach out to touch you, to touch your one strand of hair, to touch your small nose, to feel your face, to touch those lips. Every night, I wish I could change things around. Every night, I regret my decisions. Every night.
Every day, I laugh, when i dont feel like it. I flirt, when i dont like it. I survive, because i have to.
But it is the nights that I cannot endure. Whenever our song is played, I think of you. Whenever a song we heard together comes up, I think of you. Whenever I smell your perfume on another woman, I would turn around, hoping to see you and scold me for “ just standing there”. Every time I see Es teh, I think of you. Every time I see your favourite food, I think of you. Every time I step inside a cinema, I think of you. Every time I watch a movie, I imagined you were watching with me. Every time I crack an unfunny joke, I could see you laughing at my effort. Every time I drive alone, I imagine you with me, chatting with me. Every time I see a couple, I imagine you holding my hand. Every time I shop for my books, I imagine you were there by my side, asking me to hurry with a playful smile, although I know you would wait patiently, where else would you be? Every time I see a couple kiss, I imagine you tugging at my sleeve and tell me you wanted that too, but more passionately and I would grumble, but secretly happy that you still want me to kiss you. Oh god, how I wish to hear one more order from you. One more request.(“I want secret recipe cheesecake!”). One more something. Just anything. Its just too painful living without you, dear, Please come back into my life again. I need you by my side. I need you to guide me. I need you. I don’t know what I am now. I am a flirt now that you’re gone, when you know I am never one. I am a guy who doesn’t love himself. I am a man who now has to work hard to gain people’s acceptance. I am not the man I was when I was with you. I look at myself in the mirror sometimes, and I don’t know who I am, what I have become.
Every time I think of my decision, I wish I didn’t make it. Please forgive me. I wish I was strong enough to live it through. I hope I made the right decision. Oh god, make me believe this decision I made is the right one, I bid thee. But it is still goodbye, my dear, no matter how painful it is. I wish you well. I wish you love. Goodbye. Forget me, don’t forget the love we had. Forget me, don’t forget the times we shared. Forget me, cherish the future in front of you. Forget me, walk into your future. Don’t worry about me. Go on, now. I’ll manage my way back. One painful step at a time.
Love,
Bear
Why i chose romance for my writing?
I am a writer, with a zealous look of love and I do tend to romanticize people and lovers, but sadly, that I do, because my love life is far from rosy.
Many times, others will ask me, why do I write about Romance and not in a more manly genre of spies or intrigue, or perhaps, horror? Why romance, Gav? They will question me. And my answer to them would be simple and blunt.
I would tell them, in the eye, the reason I am writing them, my friend, is because of the simple, simple reason that I don’t have them. All I have is memories.
I don’t really, truly believe in love now. I’m too scared to. Not after two failed relationships with possibly the best women I have ever known and love and, thankfully, to be loved back by them in return. I know what I look like, and I know what I can and cannot give to them. And so, it is with a great shame that I admit, that i couldn’t give them as much as they have provided me with. There are many things that I wish I could change in my turbulent past, but I wouldn’t change one second of the time I spent with these beautiful souls. I just wish now, looking back, if I known it was going to be short lived, I would have argued less, relented more, hugged them tighter, to kiss them more passionately, to linger longer and to love fiercer.
When I was a more innocent boy, ever stuck in the idea of love, I’d never thought that love could scar so deeply but the truth is Love hurts, that I’ve learned so much. And they leave deeper scars if you loved deeper. And more often than not, these scars do not heal for an old romantic like myself, who dive headfirst, in reckless abandonment of emotions, into a relationship. And maybe after these bumps and bruises in my memory, I will now learn to jump safely, or sadly, may choose not to jump at all. Sometimes, it is wiser to be called a coward, rather to have died from heart ache.
That’s why I write a perfect love story, a story that might have, could have, should have, probably should, happen to the whole lot of us. I write love stories, to appease my inner turbulent, sad, scared little soul that stuff like a perfect love, for instance, do happen to people like us too, people who carry burdens of previous wounds and scars from previous beautifully failed relationship, and that perhaps one day, I could look back and tell my grandchildren proudly that I was a character in of those lovely, fulfilling love stories I wrote and that their grandmother was the most wonderful woman their grand daddy could have ever loved.
This note might be a tad too sad to start off my 2009 writing. It is. But it is with hope, that I write this, that YOU may find a different path than me. That YOU will find an everlasting companion, who love you every day for every possible reason. I might have lost hope, but YOU, your journey may just have begun just yet.
Here’s wishing you to a love-filled 2009.
Cheers, mate.
Gav
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Reflections upon 2008
Great memories are nothing more than specks of colours to paint our mosaic of life. Together, these specks and flicks from the palette of life gives us a picture of what we are. This past year, the year 2008, what will you remember it by? What are the memories do you have?
I have a few personal categories that I would like to remember 2008 by :
Happiest memory:
Umm, that would have to be the trip to Batam with my best mates to do Water-skiing/wake boarding/almost-drowning-in-lake moment/crazy jumps from tall objects. Everything was fun that weekend and the sun, the lake, the camwhore moments, the initial D races, the Kung fu Panda movie, the taxi uncle, the massage, the mindless chatter and cheeky banter, the lousy dinner and the mcdonald’s supper in our hotel room…but what made it so sinfully good is the company I had. Thanks mates. Looking forward for 2009’s adventure!
Saddest memory:
Having to end my two year relationship with a girl who I thought is “the one.” Sorry. Was, “the one”.
Memorable scenes –
Jumping off a 20 feet high crane to the shivering lake below.(my Ass hurts still hurts now sometimes), buying ipod underwater, being sick with high uric acid content that had me paralyzed for 3 days, the nail accident that went through my leg and the hospital visits after that. Meeting Angelia for the first time. Sending Betty off for Dubai. Losing my Handphone, then buying a new one. cam whoring with Lisse and friends. Donating Blood in the mid of night, Biking in gym. The secret sharing moment at vivo city. My uncle’s death. Buying Black berry 8320. The spectacular Olympics opening. Learning how to be more confident again. Starting to write again, in blogs or otherwise. A family wedding (finally he’s married!), Mammia Mia With Lisse…the disco in the theater..what a hoot,huh,cakes?, poem writing (especially for nick’s and Angel’s wedding)
Best movie 2008 :
The Dark Knight.
Best Song 2008:
Viva la Vida- Coldplay
Violet hill - Coldplay
Human- The killers
SOS – Pierce Brosnan / Meryl Streep (ost Mamma Mia)
Better – Boyzone
Always be my baby – David cook
Se La Gente Usasse II Cuore – Andrea Bocelli
The man who can’t be moved – The script
Modern Guilt – Beck
Kiss Kiss – Chris Brown
Best Book read in 2008 :
Drama: The godfather – Mario Puzo (powerful story. great plot. Strong assemble)
Love/Romance : The Choice – Nicholas sparks (evoking and romantic. Prepare for tears.)
Horror: -
Action : Angels and Demons – Dan Brown (much better than Da vinci code)
Inspirational : Letters to Sam – Danny Gottlieb ( THE Find of the year.)
Light read : Morrie and Me.
Business : Playing with Fire – Chef Gordon Ramsay
Literary : To kill a mockingbird – Lee Harper ( Fantastic storytelling!)
Best Food Places of 2008:
Chinese : Li Yen / Angke / Wong Fu Kie, Acin ITC
Noodles : Bakmi Makassar mb 88, Bakmi Tiang bendera, Bakmi Kadut
Dim Sum : Taipan / MayStar
Italian : Toscana / Pizza Marzano
Sushi : Sushi Tei
Udon : Kiyadon
Korean : Hangang
Seafood : Saung Grenville, Saung Rasane
Sunda : Laguna batu ceper / Sari Kuring
Padang : Pondok Djaya, Sari bundo, Garuda
Bebek Goreng : Kafe Bali(Bandung), the small little place at Tanjung priuk,
Western/Bistro : Gourmet garage, Café delifrance,
Dessert : Pisa Kafe, That Italian ice cream parlour Ragusa, Martabak Pecenongan
(Please note that food places are noted only for their quality of food, and not ambience nor design.)
And now, for the most important category of all, the one person that shone my life throughout 2008. Without this person, 2008 isn’t 2008.
Person of the year : (drum roll please…) Elisse Rosanna – my baby cakes!
Without her, this year would be a pretty dull one. And so, it is with great honour, that my esteemed person of the year award is bestowed to such a young and bubbly fine character this year. Always there when I need her, she’s a true friend in my very trying year. She was with me when I went through then ups and downs of my doomed relationship, all along offering kind insights and consolations. And For her companion during the movies that I literally dragged her into, many thanks. For opening her circle of friends and sharing them with me. For giving me encouragement to write again. (I thank thee for my fellow readers.) and baby cakes, though we have met only for the later part of the year, you have nonetheless brought the light and joy that is so much needed in my barren life. And for that, I truly thank you. Well, as proverbs say, it’s better late than never. And that phrase, I think is made for you this year. And I only wish, that I am a part of what you were for me this year to you…and that is saying a lot. Once again, thanks cakes, for all the laughter, the advices and the love that you have generously given me with.
Finally, some final (duh…) reflections on 2008 :
2008 started as a year of pure optimism for me, which spiraled down to horror by mid way through the journey, having to say goodbye to a person that I love truly, and then salvaged only by the joyous memories made by the old timers scouts and new found friends of 2008. And along the ways, I have learnt to not take things for face value, that sometimes the painful choices we have to make in life are truly the better ones, and that some good byes will truly be good byes. I have also learnt the hard way, to cherish what you have now, before it disappears from you and that life often gives us the hardest of blows to strengthen our soul. And painful as it may seem, we have to trudge forward, albeit in fear, to seek of happiness that may lurk further away from our vision and sight. But through it all, I hope I have matured into a better person and a better man than I was in 2007.
There are many people to thank this year, and many people to curse at, but please be in mind that you have shaped my 2008, for better or for worse, and for that, you would always be in my memories.
Reflections aside, lets all pray for a better 2009. God knows we’re gonna need it. So buckle up, and enjoy the ride.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)The “right” one VS the “best” one
Ever heard of the term “the right one”? The one person in your life who will sweep you off your feet, the one man/woman who will be there for you, who would love you, who is there for you, living breathing you. The one person that your parents promise you, the one person who your friends have consoled you about. The one person that you have waited for all your adult life…
Well, folks, I hate to break it to you. But…this man/woman won’t saunter up to you and proclaim that he/she is the one for you. Neither is he/she going to walk around with a cardboard, saying that he’s the one for let’s say Angela, or myself or anyone, for that matter. The truth is that we have to find him/her. And then give them a chance when we do find that someone who’s nice to us. And believe me when I say this, “the right one” will never proclaim himself/herself as the right one. The right one doesn’t know he/she is the right one, and he/she will be nervous about it. How you know whether he/she is the One is by your own feelings.
But then, the truth of the matter is that we don’t often get the right one. More often than not, The right one is always the one that got away. The person who would be the love of your life. He/she could only be elevated to the prestigious “the one” after they are gone. As always. Because we are just being human and humans by its nature, will only cherish somebody/something when they’re gone. Then they would wonder why they didn’t take the chance of loving them when they had the chance to do so. Regret.
Now, I am not talking solely on first love but rather on that one relationship in your life where everything seemed more real, more beautiful, where you felt more emotions, when there’s more invisible connection, when you truly felt love and finally can define what it is. A moment in time where every pore of you felt more alive than ever.
Then after this loss, more often than not, we, settle for “the best one” that comes along. Not the right one. But the best one. How can we not? We want to feel the same way again don’t we? But there is a slight difference in that, you know.
The best one is actually the person that comes closest to the right one. We have to settle for the best one, eventually, because that’s all left there is. But I’ll get to that later, now I want to know this. How many of us can say that we have the right ones in our arms right now? And how many of you can say, truthfully, that you have married the right one in your life and not the best one? And that you are now spending the best days of love with Your own personal right one?
If you have a positive answer to any of those question I posed, then I would like to personally congratulate you and say that you, my friend, is among the lucky ones who can say that aloud. In fact, I think you two(alongside your right one) should celebrate for us lost souls and your blessed union.
But truthfully, many of us don’t share that same fate. Many of us are lonesome. Alone and miserable. We don’t have anyone for us. I’m not talking about close friends who will be there for us, no matter what. I am not talking about siblings who can relate to us. I am talking about someone who’s going to be there for you physically, who lifts you up spiritually and strengthen you mentally. I am talking about the one who will show you love 110 % and be loved by you 100 %. I am talking about someone who is there to hold you and to chase away the loneliness, the one who will be there to hug you in times you need to be held. The one who is there to pamper you.
I am talking about how the right one will make you feel.
The best one are often misunderstood as them. Let me show to you the difference.
The right one is there because he knows he should be there and when to be there. The best one just happens to be there. The right one moves into your life and changes it into paradise. The best one, well, he’s/she’s just the only one there waiting for you and more often that not, you are the one trying to change him/her. The right one knows all the moves to get to you, the best one, well, he/she learns to do so…after some time. Well, you get the picture.
But I do know and understand how difficult it is to get the right one and most of us do have to tend to settle for the best one around because the right one has slipped through our fingers. And that’s fine to me. Because, I feel that no matter what, we all just want to have someone there in our life. Someone for us to have and hold. Someone to make us happy.
But don’t make it to a point where We don’t really care whether it is the right one or the best one and just go for anyone who’s just there. Because it’s truly sad if it comes to that.
But then…it doesnt matter if it makes you happy too. God Knows the world need more love to go around.
Unless you’re someone I like. LOL. Then I guarantee you that I will be the right one, the best one, anyone all rolled into one. LOL.
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Me,Gay? (part 1)
Well, I’ll be damned! First of all, I want to say that this Blog is mighty sensitive and people who get offended easily by words, please get out (take a breather first, I don’t want you passing out just cause I asked you out! I am not even getting warmed up about my complaint just yet!) And read my other better works on your way out.
Now, people often comment that when I get angrier, I get funnier. But there is nothing funny about the comment some ignorant people make of me. Like “oh, he must be a closet gay, cause, look at the work he wrote. It’s so arty farty.” Or “ He what! He rejected sex from THAT girl? Damn, he must be gay!” So on and so forth.
First of all, I would like to defend myself that beautiful words or poems are not necessarily the work of a homosexual. And straight people like me do come up with good work…for example: Nicholas sparks, Stephen King, William Shakespeare etc are all great sentimental writers in a relationship with a woman…
And let me get the record straight(no pun intended), me rejecting Sex from girls that I may/may not be attracted to is because I still have my dignity and principles and actually uphold them. I would love to have sex. I love the sensations of it and I love giving women orgasms (which I truly do. I like the way their back will arch, the slight tremble they have, the satisfying sighs, the flush of the cheeks and their first words after IT hit them.). But I have my principles to hold me in check! I would only make love to women that I love, not have Sex like the other swine of my Sex (pardon the pun)(in case you people don’t get the joke, the sex referred to here is my sex, which is Male.).
Now, I am not a homophobic. I do have Gay friends. And I do not object to the idea of Homosexuality. I suppose it is a choice, after all. But it is NOT MINE. And That’s what I dislike most: branded into what I am not. And please, these rumours have to stop! Because they, first of all, attract the wrong kind of attention. And, that you are not helping my flailing Love life! (Ok, this is the part where I really get pissed off on…umm…wrong choice of words there. Ok…whatever it is, I am irate at the prospect of people killing off my already slim (Ok, I also know that I am not slim. Thanks for reminding me of that fact.) chances of getting a FEMALE partner…especially when I am such a romantic lovefool and Is finding for someone of my OPPOSITE sex to love and adore.)
I’ll give you some examples of really Gay (meaning happy) homosexual people. Well, Elton John is Openly homosexual. And so is that Clay Aiken, Ellen DeGeneres, Leslie Cheung. They’re in the open. Out of the closet. And they love being so. That’s fine by me. Again, It is their choice.
Then there are some people who are closet-ly Homosexual and isn’t out in the open. Like…..umm….well, they’re still in the closet, so I wouldn’t know. But I’ll give you a worldwide icon of closet Homosexual people. This man is known all over the world. And they have billboards of him everywhere. From Boston to Budapest. From Budapest to Bombay. From Bombay to……well, you get the picture.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)Me,Gay?(part 2)
And, my friend, my vote for the icon of the Closet Homosexual Is the… (drum roll please.)
The Marlboro Man.
How about that, huh? You never thought of him, didn’t you? I didn’t thought of much as first. But when I was watching movie with a good friend of mine (a Lady friend whom I totally adore.), it suddenly struck me as I was watching his Ad. You know, the ones with the mountains and horses? And how he always looks so happy in the open wild, with his trusty horse, all alone in the wild? How he was so tender with his horse…? Giving him water and stuff, petting him heavily…oops, sorry, patting him gently.
Get the picture? It’s always him AND a horse. Or sometimes, with more men, with MORE horses…sometimes they are lassoing the horses, sometimes they are just wandering free, rimming, oops, sorry again, roaming around, (Rimming is…well, you homosexual guys know what it means. Ask them. Cause This, after all, is a site accessible to children.) sand flying all over. Then the men would laugh, and be merry, the horses neighing in the far off background… (With I don’t know who…and I’m scared to even think what they are doing there…to make that horse neigh so happily and loudly.)
Hmm…I don’t want to get suspicious or something, but…where are the women folk? All I see in these Marlboro ads is just Cowboys, lassoing. Their only companion being Horses and more Men. Are all these scenes taken in Brokeback Mountain or something? It sure does to me, with all the mountain scenery and such. And, cowboys surely have urges like any other man…perhaps more, because they are so Manly. So, umm, how do they satisfy their urges with only Men and Horses…Ooops, guessed I just answered my own question, didn’t I? (Now I know why the horse is neighing so happily in the background!)
Because, seriously, I think a woman in cut-off jeans shorts and a halter top can work the ad more and therefore could sell more, if not, as much, cigarettes as with only an Ad containing a Man with only horses for companion. Because Seriously, do Man want to smoke cause they all wanna be cowboys? No! Man wanna smoke them cigarettes to look themselves more Manly for the ladies and to get laid. (They also smoke cause that’s what all Male Actors do in the movies after they get laid. If they don’t have that as a benchmark, they wouldn’t know what to do after Sex.)
So anyway, I kinda lost my train of thought there thinking of those cowboys in their tight jeans and shirt. And let’s come back to The fact of the matter. (and you gossip mongers listen well, y’all!)
I am a straight man. Ramrod Straight. Gavin “Ramrod Straight” S….(Umm…the S stand for my surname. Not ASS.)
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(a poem)for my beautiful queen that doesnt know i exist.
Today I saw my Queen.
A beauty I have never seen.
Her heart is all I want to win.
Even if I have to bear the original sin.
How to win the heart of a queen,
I will never know.
So please teach me how,
My head is all hung low.
She has this glow,
And everything inside me just flowed.
I know she is the one.
The one to claim my soul.
I have never believed in love at first sight,
But she has shone me the light.
And I couldn’t resist the fight,
My love for her is far too strong a might.
But alas, this is no fairy tale,
And chances are, I will most likely fail.
I too, do not dare to hope,
For I know I am just another dope.
I know I am not good looking,
And I know I am not that interesting.
And All that I can offer is a love everlasting,
A shoulder for crying,
An ear for listening,
A joke for laughing,
A poem for the healing
And a home for resting.
I can’t promise her a palace in the sky,
Just a humble abode to live by.
Together, we’ll watch the snowflakes,
And I’ll promise to learn to make your favourite cupcakes.
All I need is a chance,
That’s all I ask of you,
For goodness sake’s.
dedicated and written for her in Spectacles.
(she doesnt know she is.)
Uncategorized | Comment (0)What Love done’s to me.(a poem)
Love hasn’t been kind,
Well, at least to me.
I couldn’t see the sign,
Nor the dotted line.
Love hasn’t been fair,
The chances she gives me, is but rare,
But I can’t do anything but glare,
For offend her, I don’t dare.
Love hasn’t been easy,
My roads of it are always hazy,
While the streets are always busy,
Making me just a little dizzy.
Love hasn’t been good,
From my heart, it loots,
Starves it of its food.
Ooh, she’s having such a hoot!
Love hasn’t been generous,
Though she fully understands I am amorous.
But I must remain gracious,
Lest she becomes ferocious.
Love hasn’t been kind,
Love hasn’t been fair.
Love hasn’t been easy,
Love hasn’t been good.
Love hasn’t been generous,
And love certainly won’t come knocking.
For just about anything.
And Love isn’t knocking,
Because fate is mocking!
But I’ll keep on looking,
Looking and hoping.
But I expect there’s more
For me To look out for,
For I know
Love, too, hasn’t closed its door.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Hope amongst painful Loss.(another poem)
Pain is my sorrow,
To think of tomorrow.
But what hope shall I grow,
If not for tomorrow.
The dead will no longer speak,
For it does not want us to be weak.
Think rather of what they seek,
If not for us to reach the peak.
Along Death, there’s sorrow,
That make us feel hollow,
But if you let the feelings flow,
Then it wouldn’t be such a blow.
Deep is the wounds of the past,
Forever in memory it will cast,
But heal slowly, we must
Or our bubble will be bust.
Stand firm in our ground,
For all of us want to be found.
Even when we are down,
Even more when we are down.
Love may not find us,
And truth may not always be just,
But let us not fuss,
For soon, it would be dusk.
That’s when souls become empty husks,
And life becomes burdened with tasks,
But lift you head to the mast,
For it shall always point home
In the windy gust.
See the love around,
And stop the frown!
Cause fate is a clown,
Remember,
What goes around will come around.
So,i’ll see you around, aye!
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Sweet Sweet Song
Oh…bring back my sweet sweet song.
Once you were the love that I long,
Now we just don’t belong…
Everything just seems so wrong,
Give me back my sweet sweet song.
I didn’t want to believe what others say,
That I want to believe in your promises of come what may.
But how can I keep them rumours at bay,
When you’re not with me all day?
Seasons, they come and go,
Then you told me to go slow,
Just move with the flow…
But now, you say you’re all hollow.
Oh…bring back my sweet sweet song.
Once you were the love that I long,
Now we just don’t belong…
Everything just seems so wrong,
Give me back my sweet sweet song.
You can just promise me a tomorrow,
They won’t bring as much sorrow.
And my exits won’t be as narrow…
Oh, please just say another hello.
Once you were loving,
Once you were caring,
What did you bring now,
After all that sharing?
Nothing, nothing, Nothing.
Oh…bring back my sweet sweet song.
Once you were the love that I long,
Now we just don’t belong…
Everything just seems so wrong,
Give me back my sweet sweet song.
I knew you were never a saint,
But I just need You to be YOU again,
To take away all my pain,
And to clear up the Rain.
Oh…bring back my sweet sweet song,
Be the man that I used to long.
Promise me you’ll come along,
We’ll sing our sweet sweet song.
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